you know those weeks where you feel so blessed. work wise--- it is one of those for me. but you know the weeks where you feel so lost--- on a personal side its more of that. lets get through the rough to get to the good...
  i miss abbey. i think i always miss her when i deal with 'friend' stuff. i wish that i could go back to being five, my best friend was my cousin, she pretty much always let me drive the pink barbie power wheels and the biggest argument was which movie or if our pizza should have pepperoni or just cheese. ((for the record-- i am the pep she was the cheese)) i miss that as we got older we didn't have to tell each other everything to just know... abbey and i never went to the same school, and as we grew up we each had our own friends, our own hobbies but it was great. because every sunday at family lunch she was there. granite-- she was there with make-up hair fixed and jewelery, where i was jeans flops or tennis shoes and a tshirt. but she was there. we were total opposites. but she never judged me, she never questioned why i felt the way i did. she would listen (one of her best qualities) and she would respond, normally short but always in a way that made me feel better. she will be gone 5 years this march, and due to me living in another state at the time.. the end of February will be 5 years since i saw her. i hate when ppl say that it feels like yesterday.... it doesn't. how could it. i feel like shes missed so much.. i feel like she got jipped. i know thats not the case, i know she is somewhere doing her thing and she is just as loved as she is here.. but it doesnt feel that way to me.... maybe one day i will feel like she is in a better place because i am sure she is.. but i don't understand at 16 how there can be any better place than here. preparing for senior year, getting ready for college... i look at abbeys little sister, and i know that who she is today--- abbey would be so proud of. she is beautiful and kind like abbey, she is strong willed and outspoken like me... i just wish abbey could see how she has grown and succeeded, idk why i woke up with this so strong on my mind this morning. shes there every day. but this morning the moment of grief wont pass.. its kind of staying around.
i don't know if i compare friendships to her, if i do its really unfair because i honestly do not remember ever fighting with abbey. maybe my parents can fill me in, but i really don't. she didn't put up much of a fight against me haha thats just not how she was... i know over our 16 years together i got her into a LOT more trouble then she would have gotten into by herself... we snuck out together (during the day time) we "cleaned" rooms by hiding every book, doll toy under beds, treadmills, and closets... we helped "prune" our grandmothers garden by pulling every flower out.... we played "beauty parlor" and used 5 cans of hairspray in her THICK CURLY hair (we proceeded to use stickers as decorations in her hair as we hairsprayed them in) we picked every grape of the bunch of fake grapes that we could find.... we changed clothes 500 times Christmas morning at maw maws... because we could. we were little and cute and we both had a killer set of eyelashes-- there isn't much that we didn't try to blink our way out of haha. i guess i need to get new memories, not to wash away abbeys, but to make a future for laughs. i hate being a downer, and i am making an honest effort to be positive-- ((hell this time last year i was sleeping outside in the cold in a tent in training while my hubby was in Afghanistan)) no complaints here. i just really want to have that person to turn to, but i feel as the older i get the more difficult it becomes. o well, maybe one day.

work. as you all know, i love my job. i had a really amazing opportunity this week.. i am not going to go into a lot of details.. but i had lunch with some of the most powerful, intellectual people I've "heard of" here in the area. seriously. looking around the table at the success that they all have had. the things they have accomplished and listening to them talk... i get so excited over new neighborhoods, new homes, the whole thought of it going from dirt and trees to families moving in and making it a home... they were still that way! they have been doing this for decades and they still get pumped about planning and starting new exciting things. i was definitely the youngest at the table, and the most inexperienced and uneducated... but i was there. which was crazy to me. really. who gets that opportunity. these are names that i had heard of, and here i am eating lunch with them and talking about ideas. it was a pretty awesome day for me, i am not going to lie. it is one of those days where despite the craziness around me.. i was still and calm. (it doesn't happen very often) i cant wait to see how new projects move forward and how the company i work for grows. i really have one-of-a-kind bosses. i don't have to get nervous around them or stammer or whatever. i am excited to go to work in the mornings and i enjoy finding out what "new" things are going to happen each day. so cheers on a wonderful work week :)

let me start by saying that i know i am a weird, rare breed. i know. i have fully accecpted and embraced my oddness and i am not aftrad to let it show... i love my job. seriously. let me clarify that i DO NOT like getting out of bed in the morning, and to totally contradict myself I am a morning person. I am chipper and cheery, once i have stepped out of bed. but its almost like my matteress has a crazy trance on me that does not allow me to see past the comfort of my worn in spot. but-- i LOVE my job, i have learned so much in the past 6 months, it has opened so many oppertunities for me and i am so thankful to be around the people i am daily. they understand my age, and my inexperience and instead of looking down on me, or getting frustrated with me about what i am doing (or not doing) they TEACH me.. they want me to know the ins and outs of our company and buisness (it helps that there are only 4 of us, but still) they want me to be with them for the long run and succeed it is honestly a great feeling (once i am out of the shower) to be ready to leave home.. (as much as I HATE leaving the danes) but to want to go to work. i worked with a friend once at a restraunt and i had that feeling, that "cant wait to go because this is going to be fun... " but now that is combined with so much more learning and people that i am around to learn and interact with. just this week i have been in 2-3 new situations that most people my age cant even imagine and i am so thankful. okat maybe enough gushing for now... :)

look i told you my new years goals were to have a more positive outlook on life and the way i live it and i am truly trying to live that way, i am resolving broken friendships, i am truly and honestly happy. you might not have saw this coming but its HERE and i am so thankful.... there are a few people that i think were brought into my life just for making me see their light and their attitudes and everytime i see their posts or read their blogs i am truly lifted by their attitude, it would be great if one day i had that persona and not the "tough girl b*tch" lol.. if i could move away from that it would be lovely. because that is not who i am anymore. i am working on being softer work in progress, i know.

oh! and random--- but Jacksonville has a new restraunt.. "Trolly Stop" the original is a little beach shack in Wrightsville, this is a lot more city atmostphere, but i went there today and it was wonderful. really. amazing hot dogs, great service, clean. i really like when someone does something well and they stick to it... like umm, Red Robin's and their burgers, or Cook Out and their burgers.. or Fudruckers and their burgers--- crap. I really just named off 3 burger joints, favorite food much... lets see other examples, Krispy Kreme and Doughnuts.. who goes to Krispy Kreme for a quiche.. is that how its spelled?  haha anyways. great little shop, 2.50 a dog, you can choose your kind of dog.. beef, pork, beef pork mix, sausage, and then choose your style-- my favorite, the "carolina" mustard chili slaw. (i didnt know there was any other way to order hot dogs) but i hear the "new river" is pretty good. it is mayo and cheese (like melted nacho cheese) i was really questioning it, but "the boys" at work got them today and they were quckly scarfed down ;)

good night.